A Lazy, Late Night Post on Christmas Day

I've been in Texas for quite awhile now and it is kind of driving me insane! I don't think I even realized how much I rely on doing things my own way.

Just the other morning I thought it was fully rational to murder my older sister when she opened my door, pounded on my wall, and turned on the light at 9 a.m. How crazy is that?

I'm ready to get back to Conway. I have a lot of goals for the New Year. I think I'll save those for a special post later though. For now, I just wanted to record what Christmas with the family has been like in 2007.

My mother still cooks a wonderful meal. My sister still tries to control and please everyone in the house at the same time. My little brother still refuses to help pick up any mess and insists on sitting in front of the XBox. Ronnie still looks forward to desert while he is eating the meal. Yet-- everyone has changed a little as well. There are very subtle undertones that I am bombarded by every time I wake up in my childhood home.

Maybe that's why I want to get back to Conway. Who knows? I head back on Thursday. To be honest, I'm headed back to probably more confusion than when I left. Isn't it weird how when you get what you really want-- you suddenly don't want it anymore?

I doubt this post will make much sense to anyone but me. Then again, that's who I write for.

The Casual Life-Style

I think that everyone is guilty of trying to map out their lives. Some people want to be married or have kids by a certain age. Others try to plan out the dates that they'll be graduate schools or when they'll make partner in their law firm. But when it comes down to it, sticking to the plan we have laid out can be fairly difficult.

I am currently a senior at UCA. I have three more semesters to go. I want to get an internship in Dallas this summer. I want to move there when I graduate. I want to rent a beautiful apartment. I want to have a great job. I want to do event planning on the side. I want buy a house by the time I'm 28. I want to get married at some point. I want to get engaged during the Christmas season.


However, I don't know if any of this is possible. All I know is that I have to continue to go with the flow that has become my life. I might not get to go to Dallas. I might rent until I'm 40. I might never get married. Still, for now I'm content with my life. My big plans might never work out but as long as I have fun along the way I don't see any harm in that.

As of now I have great friends in my life. I throughly enjoy school. I am seeing someone who makes me smile. I am truly happy. Who knows what will happen in the next month or two?-- certainly not I. Yet, I'll just continue to live my casual, laid-back life with a smile on my face, a girly drink in my hand, and good friends by my side!

When Does It Become Too Late?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the phrase, "It's all about timing". I can't seem to go more than 10 minutes without checking the clock--- but I constantly seem to be running late for things. More often than not I am late for my classes. Sometimes I am late to work. Yet, sometimes it's too late for far more important things.

Have you ever wanted something real badly? Maybe you pursued it. Maybe it got away. Maybe you thought you could learn to live with it and you were beginning to move on. Then, out of no where-- it's there again-- beckoning you. But now it's just a fraction of a second too late.

Sometimes a fraction of a second can change your life. Maybe a split decision keeps you from getting killed in a car wreck or saves you from some other terrible fate. But what happens when that fraction of a second stands between you and what you know to be true happiness? It is never too late in the movies. Just when you think that there is no way the characters can possibly be together--- he swoops in and sweeps her off her feet.

My life isn't like the movies. It's just a fraction too late. That fraction has cost me my happy ending.... For now at least.

Come sit a while with me...

A lot has been on my mind lately. So much so that I haven't had the mental capacity to organize it into one cohesive post. Therefore, this post will be more of a rambling than anything else. Picture this with me-- you sit on a park bench beside me to talk and this is what pours from my mind.

I wonder how hard life will be after college. I wonder if I'll still get to go home from the holidays. I wonder if late nights out with friends will still be feasible.

I want to know why I fall for people I don't want to. I want to know why being near you gives me butterflies I don't want. I want to look ten years in the future and just see if it was worth it. Where am I? Where are you? Do we even think of each other in passing-- or are we finally together?

I want to savor every moment. Yet, they slowly seem to be slipping through my grasp. I'm ready for my time at work to be done. But I'm going to terribly miss the friends I've made along the way. What will my day even be without Ian, Brandon, Evan, Emily, Keri, Khris, Cameron, Sarah, Peach, Tremayne, Ronnie, Brian, Kelly, Terrance, High School, Brooks and everyone else!? Will I be lost?

Will it snow this year? If so, who will walk across campus with me in it? I love my classmates so much recently. They make my heart soar! They make school worth all the hassle.

Most importantly, I'm full. I'm full of laughter. I'm full of stress. I'm full of delight and despair. I'm full of hope and anger. I'm full of dreams but sometimes plagued by doubt. What will become of me? Of better yet-- What will I become?

Playing with Fire...

We all have basic human instincts. They tell us when to sleep and eat. They warn us if something is too hot to touch, too dangerous to be around, or too risky to take a chance. Still, here lately I'm finding that I'm having more basic instincts than ever. Yet, they aren't to save myself from some irreparable harm or damage. Instead, I find myself longing to rescue people I care for.

When I hear the word, "rescue" I automatically think of firefighters and paramedics. However, we can each be rescue workers in our own right. Sometimes my mother rescues me from a bad day by reassuring me that things will turn out for the better. But what happens when you simply can't rescue those that you care about? Do we will them be-- let them make their own mistakes-- let them get hurt?

It hurts to watch someone go down a path, with high hopes, knowing that it probably won't end well. In fact, I've seen it many times. All the instincts in my body scream at me to warn them. I want to jump up and caution them to the dangers ahead. But it's not my place to. In truth, I can't stop someone from getting their heart broken. In truth, I can't make someone start to hold themselves accountable for their actions. In truth, my words will never be persuasive enough to stir someone away from a course of action they are set on taking.

I guess I can just watch from afar. Watch-- and hope that the fire doesn't burn them too bad. Hope that their burns will teach them lessons. Who knows? Friends have probably had to sit back and watch as I've taken the darker path. Darker paths might lead to dark outcomes. Still, I'd like to believe that somewhere in the dark there is light.

Like a victim trapped in a burning building, I hope the light of the rescuer finds you in time. I hope they can cleanse your wounds and make you whole again. And more importantly, I hope you can learn from it all. Playing with fire is dangerous-- but keeping it so close to your heart can be deadly.

Deceiving ourselves...

I think that at some point in everyone's life-- we try to convince ourselves of something. Sometimes it can be trivial-- like trying to tell ourselves that we are better at something than we really are, like a sport. Other times, we try to convince ourselves that someone never hurt us or that something bad didn't phase us at all. This is simply a defense-mechanism used to keep ourselves from hurting. Yet, what happens when we try to convince ourselves that we really care about someone, when we.... well, don't? Until recently, I thought I really liked an individual. In fact, I spent several days gloomy because of him. Then, I would get dressed up and go out with the sole intention of "bumping into him" and impressing him. I had even gone as far as confessing all of this to him-- in hopes that he would put everything on hold and pursue something with me. Then, as if by divine intervention, I suddenly realized that I really didn't like him at all--- I just had convinced myself that I did.

How silly is that? Can we even convince ourselves that we care for someone? And if so, why would we go to such extremes? All I know is that the realization was not only a shock to me-- it was quite a relief! I knew a long time ago that he wasn't really my type. Sure, he was tall-- but that's about all he had on my checklist. In all reality, he drinks too much, he acts like he is 12 years old, and he has this streak of behavior that he can never be fully accountable for!

When I start to ask myself why I would go to such extremes to convince myself that I liked him-- I can only come up with one answer: Life is supposed to be this puzzle... and a piece of mine is missing! Many of my friends are getting engaged. At my age, my sister was. At my age, my mom was already married with one child. And even though I have NO DESIRE to run down the aisle, I guess I can admit that a small fraction of me feels like that is what is expected of me-- therefore, I need it.

By telling myself that I really cared for this guy, I trying to force in a piece of a puzzle that simply didn't fit. I tried that a lot as a child when putting puzzles together. I had just about as much success then as I do now. I guess the lesson I can learn is to start taking things slow. What's the point in falling for someone, only to find out that you never really tripped at all?

The Source of Happiness...

I just got finished reading the book, "PS.. I love you" for the second time. The movie comes out in December and I wanted it to be fresh on my mind. The book is about a woman who suddenly loses her husband to a brain tumor. And even though her life is practically torn from her, she manages to get through it with the help of her wacky friends and family. The book really makes you stop and evaluate happiness. I mean happiness to something different to everyone. At the beginning of the book, Holly assumes that since her first idea of happiness (a long life with Gerry) will no longer happen-- then she is destined to a life of grief and despair. However, she slowly learns that some past things might bring you good memories but they can't control how you feel about the rest of your life.

I am happy in my life right now. I used to think that by this point in time I would have at least met the guy I was going to marry. I used to think we would be picking out where to move when we graduated. I used to think we would be picking out baby names and dog breeds. Then again, those were the unrealistic expectations of a high school girl.

I now feel much different. I now no longer need a man in my life to be happy. Some days it would be nice-- but it is never a necessity. I now know where I'll be when I graduate school--and I decided on my on terms--not because someone else wanted to go there. I now know the kind of dog I want and dream about walking him in the park with good friends after work. Then again, these could just be the unrealistic expectations of a college girl.

I guess that's how it goes. We have to roll with the punches while carefully cradling our own happiness in our hands. Even though I love my friends, I don't think I should rely on them to make me happy. I love watching trashy TV with Kristen. I love playing Family Feud with Natasha. I love talking in class with Sara. I love goofing off at work with Lindsay. I love phone calls with old friends like Cody. I love karaoke with Rye. I love high school football games with Amy, Eric, and Tanner. I love dancing, card games, classic movies, and beer pong with my friends. All of these things make me smile. But they aren't my entire source of happiness.

Tonight, I went for a drive. (A crazy idea with gas prices so high!) I rolled down my windows and listened to John Mayer. And even though I was all alone, I smiled and sang along. The music was good, the weather was beautiful--- and my life, well is both.

An All-Consuming Love...

Some mornings I can't help but wake up a cynic. After all, the world is full of hatred and rage. Every time I turn on the news I see another story about someone giving up their life in order to take away someone else's. Can love even exist through all the hate?

When it comes to men, I've seen my fair share. I've been cheated on. I've been abused-- emotionally and physically. I've been scared. I've been threatened. I've been left for a friend. I've been heart-broken. I've been lied to. I've had promises made and then broken. I have every right to be cynical.

Yet somehow, I still believe in all-consuming love. I believe in a love that makes you stop and appreciate the wind on your face. I believe in a love that people write books and screenplays about. I believe in a love you can tell your grandchildren on Christmas Eve. I believe in a love that stops you in your tracks and compels you to change courses. I believe in a love that Shakespeare would be proud of. I believe in a love that endures all-- space, time, death.

I might sound like a 8 year-old hyped up on Disney when I say this, but I truly believe that kind of love will find me one day. I'm more than willing to wait for it. Maybe my life is like Scarlett O'Hara's. All my life I've been preoccupied with my Ashleys. I fuss over them and fall for them--- but in all reality, I don't really love them.

One day my Rhett will come along. I'll look right past him at first. However, I will soon find that he'll be everything I absolutely need in my life. (Even though he wasn't anything I was looking for!) And when he walks into my life and my heart, I'll never be able to see my world without him. Perhaps that's the mark of real love-- of a real all-consuming love.

Going it alone...

Life is strange sometimes. In the last 48 hours I've traveled through such a wide range of emotions that I think I should have had my passport stamped along the way. First of all, I finally fell. Well, I think I did anyway. For the first time since my heart was last broken, I felt like loaning it out to someone again.

Then, he called it off. I'm still not sure if it is just for the time being or forever. And at first I was furious. I felt as if falling had been a mistake...one I'd be sure to never make again. Yet, even though it might not go anywhere, I feel like my fall wasn't in vain. After all, I learned I could fall again.

I learned that a friend from high school is going to Iraq. Cody was mine-- back then anyway. As childish as it might sound, I just want to bump into him in the hallways one more time. I want one last camping trip on the river. I want one more illegal run for beer. I want one more second with him holding me and telling me that if he is lucky enough he'll win my heart someday.

My father wants to spend the holidays with me. I don't even remember a single Thanksgiving or Christmas with him around. The only ones I can recall I've watched on video several times. He wants to know what to get me. I really want to tell him that nothing he buys will make up for everything. But another part of me just wants a hug-- to be held. After all, I haven't gotten to sit in my daddy's lap for a very long time.

Today I feel like my life is a spiral staircase. And to be honest, I don't know whether I'm going up or down. Today alone I have cried, laughed, cried due to laughter, screamed, felt alone, felt bombarded with company, felt like giving up, and felt I knew I never could.

Not to sound cheesy, but didn't Dumbledore say something about the ability to feel pain? Didn't he say it was our greatest strength... that it made us human? I am human then. I'm perfectly capable of doing nothing perfect. I sometimes laugh one minute and cry the next. Sometimes I fall very easily and sometimes it takes me years, if ever. Every once in awhile I regret something... but more often I regret what I didn't have the guts to do.

And right now, I want to be alone. I don't want friends to cheer me up-- because I'm not sad. I don't want to get drunk and forget my worries-- I'm not technically sure I have any.

Instead, I want to be alone. With my thoughts. I want to enjoy the full rapture of emotions that is swirling around me at the moment. Come morning I will go to class. I'll then have lunch with friends. Tomorrow night, I'll probably get all dressed up for Halloween. But not tonight.

Tonight I'll feel it all. I feel it alone.

Why Does It Have to Be Complicated...?

I find it odd that I seem to crave oddities in my life... especially when it comes to romance. Why do I over-complicate things? Why do I need to feel some level of a "chase"? Why am I only really attracted to men that are unavailable-- emotionally or otherwise? Does love really have to be such a puzzle?

This school year alone, over five guys have come right out and told me that they thought I was cool. They wanted to date me. They asked me to dinner and movies. They told me I was beautiful. When I left town they reassured me of how bad they missed me. Yet, I'm not with a single one of those great guys.

Instead, I spend my spare time thinking about boys that give me the run around. Why is it that I find it attractive for someone who never lets me know where I stand with them? And if those are the guys I always fall for--- will I ever truly find happiness?

I obviously like drama in my relationships for some odd reason. Still, I despise it everywhere else. I want school to be straightforward. I want my friends to be honest and forthcoming. I want my family to be dependable. But for some strange reason, I find unreturned phone calls, messages, and romantic gestures to be a just the ticket to my heart.

But relationship drama doesn't make a happy life. It's weird how I find myself longing for life after college sometimes. I picture myself back in Texas-- preferably Dallas. I picture my beautifully decorated apartment. I can see me walking my dog in the park and going out after work for cocktails with my girlfriends. For some reason however, I don't see a healthy relationship with a man. Is that sad? Or is it liberating?

Can I move on from the unhealthy relationship habits I've developed? Or are they there as a type of security blanket? Maybe I'll change for the right guy. Or maybe I'll miss out on him because he doesn't like to play games with my heart. Or maybe we can play games together... games that lead to a great love.

College Days at Last...

I think I've finally reached the point in my life that I would consider my "college days". I realize that since I'm a junior that might be a little weird. Yet, it is simply a fact. My first two years at UCA weren't really college--- They were more like a post-high school experience. I wasn't ever very sure of myself. In fact, I was constantly changing what I believed in and who I confided in. I feel very different now.

One of my 21st birthday presents was the entire series of Sex and the City. And as goofy as it sounds to compare life to a television show... I am. I feel like my life used to be some sort of show with bad casting. In fact, the casting was so bad that characters constantly had to be rotated in and out. Moreover, there was no clear cut choice for the lead. Should she be sweet and sassy? Wild and crazy? Lovable and cute? Bitchy and mean? You see--- I couldn't even cast myself in the story of my own life.

Things are very different now. Everyone in my life is a clear character.

Lindsay is like my Charlotte. She's more kind than I can really hope to be. She is more boy crazy than I ever care to be. But she loves me for what I am even though we're so different.

Kristen is my Samantha-- in a good way. She keeps me laughing. We have more in common than we know. She is a constant surprise. She censors herself for no one. And on nights that I want to simply sit in silence, knowing that a good friends is there for me-- she is there every time.

Rachael is my Miranda--but only because she is red-headed. =)

And I guess I get to be Carrie because I'm a commit-a-phobic and I'm writing a blog...

I'll be graduating pretty soon and I don't know where I'll end up. But I do know that when I think about my college days I'll think about now. I'll think about watching trashy dating shows while eating birthday cake. I'll think about carving pumpkins with friends. I'll think about Wal-Mart runs that turn a little crazy. I'll think about wild nights with wilder friends.

And I'm sure I'll think about how I could tell these girls things I tell no one else. Only they know who holds the keys to my heart. They understand and accept my biggest pet peeves. They know what will make me laugh and what will make me cry.

If I was given the chance to cast my life right now-- they would be stars. They are characters and I love them for it. And I've finally figured out myself. No, life is not always perfect. In fact, it is stressful and hard and frankly I don't have enough time to get everything done. But I do know that I want to spend all my spare time with them... My all-star cast!

The Last Year That I'm Counting...

Well ladies and gents-- It is almost official. I'll officially be 21 in only one short week. I've been spending the last couple of days reflecting on what the real significance of this birthday is for me, besides the obviously of course.

I can vividly recall when my older sister turned 21. She seemed so sure of herself and her place in life. She was in college, she was confident, she had the world on a string. More importantly, her string. I remember looking at her and trying to envision the person I would be at that age. For me, the 21st birthday stood for much more than just legality. Instead, I felt it would the point in my life I would be most like her-- savvy, smart, indestructible. Yet, since I'm only a week away from the big date I've had to change a few of my frames of reference for obvious reasons.

The truth is, I'm still not certain of what I'm going to do with my life. I do have some goals: be happy, adopt children, never be too old to play in the rain, etc. Still, I have no idea where I'll be in five years, much less ten! The truth is, I still am working on figuring out who I am. I do know that I enjoy reading and a good challenge and that I hate surprises--but I have yet to discover what is the essence of my individual.

The truth is I'm not indestructible. In fact, many people have made me cry and broken me down. I have learned however that I'm stronger than I can give myself credit for. I have learned that everyone can mess up-- and with time and healing, everyone can forgive. The truth is I'm still a kid. I'm not grown. In fact, I don't know if I'll be grown when I'm 25, 30, or even 40! Perhaps a part of me will always feel like watching Sarah Silverman at Kristen's house. Maybe a piece of me will always want late night runs to Taco Bell. I could be tucking a kid into bed one night ten years from now and quietly hum, "Bubbly" to myself.

Maybe I am on to something. Who cares that I don't have my future set in stone? Who cares that I don't know exactly what I want from life? Who cares that I don't appear to be older and more mature than some of the people around me? Because the truth is-- I am loving my life. I'm loving my classes that keep me busy until 2 am. I'm loving my friends who keep me laughing until 2 am. I'm loving that sometimes I lay in bed and just smile at how crazy life is until 2 am.

So I'm about to be 21. And it is nothing that I expected. Yet, it sure is something amazingly wonderful! Happy early birthday to me!

When People Make Mistakes...

I've been thinking about how people mess up. Sometimes, we mess up just a little bit-- and we can simply laugh it off. Sometimes, we mess up quite a bit-- and we can simply apologize. Sometimes, we mess up more than we can imagine-- and there is no simple solution.

I saw my biological father this weekend for the first time in a long time. I can remember all the hatred that I use to hold against him. I can recall laying in bed and hoping he was miserable with the life he chose. I guess I've grown up since then because this weekend, I felt zero hatred towards him. In fact, I kind of pitied him. How sad is it to make a mistake and never really be able to move on? How sad would it be for me to hold it against him forever? Who would that help?

No one. It's that simple-- no one benefits from a hatred that strong. In fact, I'm pretty sure the hatred I once harbored against him just wore on me. So I'm forgiving him. And more importantly, I'm forgiving myself. That applies to more than one person in my life as well. I feel that the grudges I've carried have probably harm me more than anymore. So I'm done with it.

Live your life. Love it. Because if I can be completely honest-- I'm loving my life more than ever before! I have some amazing friends. Kristen is my soul mate. Lindsay is my partner is crime. Natasha & Sara are my rocks. Rachael is my comic relief. And for the first time in a long time I can also say that I there is a special someone that gives me butterflies in my stomach. He thinks I'm beautiful. He loves my spunk. He enjoys my sense of humor. Yet, he is nothing I ever expected.

I'm not making plans for the future. I'm not planning out every detail of my life. Why? Because life is an adventure for me right now. It's full of surprises and laughter. It's all that I've ever wanted. Perhaps looking too far ahead would scare me or maybe change my mind about things. I chose to live in the moment. And frankly, this moment is good!

Recreating My World...

Life has been very good as of late. School is keeping me busy but I find myself enjoying my classes and the company of my classmates. I also am enjoying life beyond school much more. And even though I can't pin-point the exact reason... I'm smiling more than ever.

Maybe it's because I have some amazing friends that keep me laughing. Maybe it's because I find myself 'liking' someone for the first time in a long time. Maybe it's because me and my roommates are getting alone wonderfully. Maybe it's because my 21st birthday is right around the corner. Or maybe-- it is just because I've finally decided to ignore all the bad things and focus on the good.

I've learned that sometimes it is the simple things that can make your day. I have learned that trying on Halloween costumes is more fun than I've ever given it credit for. I have learned that grabbing lunch with great friends leads to lots of INside jokes. I've learned that movie nights in your PJs are delightful. I've learned that life is seriously what you make it. And if you make it out to be something horribly stressful and annoying... Guess what?! IT WILL BE.

Yet, if we just laugh. If we would just love. If we would just get over the drama that tries to surround us-- life is a beautiful thing. And more importantly, my life is beautiful for the first time in a long time.

The Start of Something New...

After almost three years of blogging on Xanga, I've chosen to switch to Blogspot. I didn't necessarily make this decision all by myself. The truth is, people formerly in my life were tearing my words apart. They were inventing false ideas for everything I wrote. In truth, I write for me. Writing has always been a way in which I can escape from a chaotic world. When I'm sad, I write. When I'm angry, I write. When I'm happy, I write. When I'm confused, I write. My old blog had turned into lunch room conversation and I couldn't stand it any longer.

So here is my new beginning. Just for me. I think I'm going to like it here.