The Last Year That I'm Counting...

Well ladies and gents-- It is almost official. I'll officially be 21 in only one short week. I've been spending the last couple of days reflecting on what the real significance of this birthday is for me, besides the obviously of course.

I can vividly recall when my older sister turned 21. She seemed so sure of herself and her place in life. She was in college, she was confident, she had the world on a string. More importantly, her string. I remember looking at her and trying to envision the person I would be at that age. For me, the 21st birthday stood for much more than just legality. Instead, I felt it would the point in my life I would be most like her-- savvy, smart, indestructible. Yet, since I'm only a week away from the big date I've had to change a few of my frames of reference for obvious reasons.

The truth is, I'm still not certain of what I'm going to do with my life. I do have some goals: be happy, adopt children, never be too old to play in the rain, etc. Still, I have no idea where I'll be in five years, much less ten! The truth is, I still am working on figuring out who I am. I do know that I enjoy reading and a good challenge and that I hate surprises--but I have yet to discover what is the essence of my individual.

The truth is I'm not indestructible. In fact, many people have made me cry and broken me down. I have learned however that I'm stronger than I can give myself credit for. I have learned that everyone can mess up-- and with time and healing, everyone can forgive. The truth is I'm still a kid. I'm not grown. In fact, I don't know if I'll be grown when I'm 25, 30, or even 40! Perhaps a part of me will always feel like watching Sarah Silverman at Kristen's house. Maybe a piece of me will always want late night runs to Taco Bell. I could be tucking a kid into bed one night ten years from now and quietly hum, "Bubbly" to myself.

Maybe I am on to something. Who cares that I don't have my future set in stone? Who cares that I don't know exactly what I want from life? Who cares that I don't appear to be older and more mature than some of the people around me? Because the truth is-- I am loving my life. I'm loving my classes that keep me busy until 2 am. I'm loving my friends who keep me laughing until 2 am. I'm loving that sometimes I lay in bed and just smile at how crazy life is until 2 am.

So I'm about to be 21. And it is nothing that I expected. Yet, it sure is something amazingly wonderful! Happy early birthday to me!