Breathing...

June 5th. So hard to forget, yet impossible to fully remember.

Life changed tremendously, yet somehow I became stale...lacking. Never before had I allowed my life to be so beyond my own control.

I lost faith in my ability to control things on that day. If I could somehow let something so precious slip away, how can I be entrusted with anything else?...

Since then, I've allowed outside forces to make my decisions, determine my feelings, orchestrate my life. At first, it was comforting. I could barely manage to eat or sleep. Outside control was welcomed, appreciated even. Yet, slowly a shift began to occur.

At first, I only found myself feeling slightly smothered. Like a hand being pressed against my chest, I found it more difficult to breathe, but not impossible. Slowly, the hand increased its pressure until it felt as if a I was locked in a vice; grasped too tightly by another's hand. I was no longer breathing on my own...instead, I had to rely on others to breathe for me. Each forced breath was painful. As the oxygen hit my lungs, there was a cruel reminder of what life was like before...before June 5.

With each painful inhalation, I pried my fingers against the immense pressure...longing it to free me. It was not easy. I soon found my body sore and my mind exhausted from the struggle. Then there was a moment. A moment when I felt the vice loosen...just a bit. But it loosen nonetheless and for the first time in a long time I felt I might want some control back, as if I might, just might, be capable of handling it again.

I don't want the helping hands to completely leave me---I will always need them to wipe away tears, fight off enemies and hold onto during cold winter nights. But I think I am capable now of breathing on my own...

...of holding onto my heart all by myself....

Broken...

I am broken.

He is gone.

My whole world has left me. I cannot find the energy or the willpower to draw my next breath.

I am broken.

Stressing Out...

What if I'm not good enough?

In the last 24 hours, I think I have had my first pre-law school panic attack. Everything is becoming so real. A few months ago I was worried about finding roommates and a place to live. And now that I have found some amazing roommates and a beautiful home, the real worries of law school are beginning to take over.

What if I'm not smart enough?

Academics have been relatively easy for me. In elementary school, the only thing I studied for were spelling tests and honestly, even when I didn't know how to spell something, typically I could just look at the word and rearrange the letters until it looked "right". I'm not sure that's an option in law school. In middle school, the only thing I ever worried about was if my clothes were the right name brand-- academics were never a concern. In high school, I was not the kid who had to bring homework home-- I was nearly always able to finish homework for 8 classes in a 30 minute study hall. I've always been smart enough...until now.

What if I don't have what it takes?

College wasn't much of a challenge for me. Of course I had projects that stressed me out or classes that I spent extra time on, but in all honesty, I don't think I've ever come up against something that I simply couldn't handle. Is law school going to be the thing that breaks me?

What if it is all too much?

Will I still have time for friends, family, daily workouts and the occasional movie night? What about finding time to find someone?...I've been single for 3 years and not that I want to rush into anything, but will I have time to find the happiness I deserve?

What if I can't handle it?

What if I feel trapped?

What if I want to give up?

What would I do then?

Changing it up...

There are things in our lives which are simply beyond our grasp.

For example, I will never understand why margaritas and fashion magazines combine with sunshine to create the perfect summer afternoon. I will also never be able to change my DNA, the laws of physics, the weather, history or the fact that I have spider veins on my thighs.

And while so many facets of life are beyond our grasp, many more lay within our boundaries to change. I can change my hair color, my location, my significant others, my house, my job, my wardrobe, my feelings, my body, my friends, my choices...

Perhaps it is because so many things lie within our power, that I become frustrated when people can't get happy. Don't get me wrong-- I have spent plenty-o-days griping about life. I have allowed many things to keep me down; friends, lovers, the aforementioned spider viens on my thighs. But in all truth, most of the components that build my life are components that I choose, and if I should become unhappy, all I have to do is change them.

Yes, change is hard. Yes, it can be terrifiying. And yes, sometimes change hurts people, people you care about. But what is worse is spending your life pretending that it is outside of your control. We all have so much more power than we think.

I don't know how much longer I can watch as people continue to complain about the same things for days, weeks, months, years! If you are so unhappy, then change it. It could get messy. You could walk away scarred, but would you rather be resigned to spend the rest of your life unhappy?

As far as I'm concerned, we aren't put on this earth to be miserable. God gave us many great gifts-- the greatest being free will. So feel free to cry, scream or feel depressed for a while. But then, for everyone's sake, pull yourself up off the ground and make a change!

Crossing the Threshold...

Lately I feel as if I am standing at the doorway leading to the rest of my life...

The door is cracked, just barely, and through the crack I can see glimpses of the life I will live. I see Margarita Wednesday with friends, I see a handsome man who makes me laugh, I see children running through the sprinklers being chased by a dachshund, I see a quaint house all lit up during the holiday season.

But there are also things hidden in the shadows of the door-- uncertainties. Will I be good enough, smart enough, strong enough, brave enough? Will I be a success, a failure, or drop out? Will anyone be there to catch me when I fall or dry my tears on a lonely Tuesday night?

On my side of the door, life is familiar. It may not be everything that I've dreamt of, but it is safe and warm. I know that I'm smart enough and strong enough on this side. I know that I have people to catch me and hold me on this side. But this side is slowly slipping away and I will be forced to open the door and cross the threshold into a new, daunting life.

My stomach churns and my heart aches with mixed feelings as I get closer to that doorway. I mourn for the familiar life I will be leaving behind. I worry for those who I know will be lost without me, even if only temporarily. But I also feel a deep sense of excitement for the unknown, the unconquered and the endless possibilities. That doorway could very lead to everything I've always wanted.

Still, I do not rush to open the door. Instead, I'll sit down beside it on my safe familiar side for just a while longer. I'll let the rays of light, shining through the cracks, warm my skin. I'll cross my legs and hum a soft song to myself. I'll remember that life is about choices: Choices that scare you, Choices that excite you, Choices that make you sad...But most importantly, Choices to see what's behind the next door.

Passing Judgment...

Social networking is both a blessing and a curse. It allows me to stay in touch with my Arkansas friends, it gives me the freedom to interact with others I hardly see and it provides me with an outlet for my daily stress, frustrations and boredom.

However, I have recently begun to understand it also opens up the doors to quick and irrational judgments. I usually consider myself a kind person. I give to charities when I can, I never yelled at customers while working in sales, I always say please and thank you-- even to people who are incredibly frustrating! I have learned however, that Facebook gives my mind free reign to judge people.


I believe everyone has a right to live their life according to their own design. If that is so, why do I constantly find my inner monologue critiquing the life choices of others...

Why did she get married? They have how many kids? That is what he does for a living? I'm not sure why anyone would make that choice? How could she possibly be happy? Doesn't he have any drive or ambition? That relationship will never work! Why did they choose to never grow up?

I don't want to be the person who is constantly judging others. I love my life choices and would be hurt if I knew someone was looking at my profile and criticizing everything I've done. The beauty of life is that we all get to trudge our own paths through it. Some of us jump in head first, some take their time, some never fully let loose and others never truly live. But if it weren't for the vast array of life choices we each make, the diversity that I love wouldn't exist.

So, here is my, albeit, late New Year's Resolution-- Quit Judging. The next time I hear my inner monologue start to talk smack, I'm going to tell myself, "If those choices make them happy, then you should wish them all the happiness and blessings in this world."

Who knows, maybe someone is sending blessings and happiness my way as well.

Remembering a Good Kid...

You never think it can happen in your own backyard...

A few nights ago, a young boy was enjoying a sleepover at a friend's house. Now, his family is mourning his vicious murder. They were good people--he was a good kid.

I worked with his mom. She was a single mother who doted on her sons. They were the light of her world. She proudly displayed their photos on her desk and routinely spoke of them while on sale calls. He was a good kid. I only met him once. I was putting together an event which required "stuffing" of 900 goodie bags. He woke up early on a Saturday morning to volunteer an extra set of hands. He was a good kid.

The man who took him from this world was a repeat sex offender. Repeat. He had twice been arrested for indecent behavior with a child. Why was this man on our streets? Why was this man free to lure an innocent young boy from his friend's house? Why did our justice system allow this?

It brings me to tears to think about the last moments of Justin's life. I can't imagine how terrified he must have been. I can't imagine the fear and pain he experienced. I can't help but wonder if he thought about his mother, his brothers, his friends...

He was a good kid. No kid deserves such an ending. And no sex offender deserves the chance to break something so precious.

Life goes on for the rest of the world. But life for Justin has ended and life for his family will never be the same.

You never think it can happen in your own backyard...