Going it alone...

Life is strange sometimes. In the last 48 hours I've traveled through such a wide range of emotions that I think I should have had my passport stamped along the way. First of all, I finally fell. Well, I think I did anyway. For the first time since my heart was last broken, I felt like loaning it out to someone again.

Then, he called it off. I'm still not sure if it is just for the time being or forever. And at first I was furious. I felt as if falling had been a mistake...one I'd be sure to never make again. Yet, even though it might not go anywhere, I feel like my fall wasn't in vain. After all, I learned I could fall again.

I learned that a friend from high school is going to Iraq. Cody was mine-- back then anyway. As childish as it might sound, I just want to bump into him in the hallways one more time. I want one last camping trip on the river. I want one more illegal run for beer. I want one more second with him holding me and telling me that if he is lucky enough he'll win my heart someday.

My father wants to spend the holidays with me. I don't even remember a single Thanksgiving or Christmas with him around. The only ones I can recall I've watched on video several times. He wants to know what to get me. I really want to tell him that nothing he buys will make up for everything. But another part of me just wants a hug-- to be held. After all, I haven't gotten to sit in my daddy's lap for a very long time.

Today I feel like my life is a spiral staircase. And to be honest, I don't know whether I'm going up or down. Today alone I have cried, laughed, cried due to laughter, screamed, felt alone, felt bombarded with company, felt like giving up, and felt I knew I never could.

Not to sound cheesy, but didn't Dumbledore say something about the ability to feel pain? Didn't he say it was our greatest strength... that it made us human? I am human then. I'm perfectly capable of doing nothing perfect. I sometimes laugh one minute and cry the next. Sometimes I fall very easily and sometimes it takes me years, if ever. Every once in awhile I regret something... but more often I regret what I didn't have the guts to do.

And right now, I want to be alone. I don't want friends to cheer me up-- because I'm not sad. I don't want to get drunk and forget my worries-- I'm not technically sure I have any.

Instead, I want to be alone. With my thoughts. I want to enjoy the full rapture of emotions that is swirling around me at the moment. Come morning I will go to class. I'll then have lunch with friends. Tomorrow night, I'll probably get all dressed up for Halloween. But not tonight.

Tonight I'll feel it all. I feel it alone.

Why Does It Have to Be Complicated...?

I find it odd that I seem to crave oddities in my life... especially when it comes to romance. Why do I over-complicate things? Why do I need to feel some level of a "chase"? Why am I only really attracted to men that are unavailable-- emotionally or otherwise? Does love really have to be such a puzzle?

This school year alone, over five guys have come right out and told me that they thought I was cool. They wanted to date me. They asked me to dinner and movies. They told me I was beautiful. When I left town they reassured me of how bad they missed me. Yet, I'm not with a single one of those great guys.

Instead, I spend my spare time thinking about boys that give me the run around. Why is it that I find it attractive for someone who never lets me know where I stand with them? And if those are the guys I always fall for--- will I ever truly find happiness?

I obviously like drama in my relationships for some odd reason. Still, I despise it everywhere else. I want school to be straightforward. I want my friends to be honest and forthcoming. I want my family to be dependable. But for some strange reason, I find unreturned phone calls, messages, and romantic gestures to be a just the ticket to my heart.

But relationship drama doesn't make a happy life. It's weird how I find myself longing for life after college sometimes. I picture myself back in Texas-- preferably Dallas. I picture my beautifully decorated apartment. I can see me walking my dog in the park and going out after work for cocktails with my girlfriends. For some reason however, I don't see a healthy relationship with a man. Is that sad? Or is it liberating?

Can I move on from the unhealthy relationship habits I've developed? Or are they there as a type of security blanket? Maybe I'll change for the right guy. Or maybe I'll miss out on him because he doesn't like to play games with my heart. Or maybe we can play games together... games that lead to a great love.

College Days at Last...

I think I've finally reached the point in my life that I would consider my "college days". I realize that since I'm a junior that might be a little weird. Yet, it is simply a fact. My first two years at UCA weren't really college--- They were more like a post-high school experience. I wasn't ever very sure of myself. In fact, I was constantly changing what I believed in and who I confided in. I feel very different now.

One of my 21st birthday presents was the entire series of Sex and the City. And as goofy as it sounds to compare life to a television show... I am. I feel like my life used to be some sort of show with bad casting. In fact, the casting was so bad that characters constantly had to be rotated in and out. Moreover, there was no clear cut choice for the lead. Should she be sweet and sassy? Wild and crazy? Lovable and cute? Bitchy and mean? You see--- I couldn't even cast myself in the story of my own life.

Things are very different now. Everyone in my life is a clear character.

Lindsay is like my Charlotte. She's more kind than I can really hope to be. She is more boy crazy than I ever care to be. But she loves me for what I am even though we're so different.

Kristen is my Samantha-- in a good way. She keeps me laughing. We have more in common than we know. She is a constant surprise. She censors herself for no one. And on nights that I want to simply sit in silence, knowing that a good friends is there for me-- she is there every time.

Rachael is my Miranda--but only because she is red-headed. =)

And I guess I get to be Carrie because I'm a commit-a-phobic and I'm writing a blog...

I'll be graduating pretty soon and I don't know where I'll end up. But I do know that when I think about my college days I'll think about now. I'll think about watching trashy dating shows while eating birthday cake. I'll think about carving pumpkins with friends. I'll think about Wal-Mart runs that turn a little crazy. I'll think about wild nights with wilder friends.

And I'm sure I'll think about how I could tell these girls things I tell no one else. Only they know who holds the keys to my heart. They understand and accept my biggest pet peeves. They know what will make me laugh and what will make me cry.

If I was given the chance to cast my life right now-- they would be stars. They are characters and I love them for it. And I've finally figured out myself. No, life is not always perfect. In fact, it is stressful and hard and frankly I don't have enough time to get everything done. But I do know that I want to spend all my spare time with them... My all-star cast!

The Last Year That I'm Counting...

Well ladies and gents-- It is almost official. I'll officially be 21 in only one short week. I've been spending the last couple of days reflecting on what the real significance of this birthday is for me, besides the obviously of course.

I can vividly recall when my older sister turned 21. She seemed so sure of herself and her place in life. She was in college, she was confident, she had the world on a string. More importantly, her string. I remember looking at her and trying to envision the person I would be at that age. For me, the 21st birthday stood for much more than just legality. Instead, I felt it would the point in my life I would be most like her-- savvy, smart, indestructible. Yet, since I'm only a week away from the big date I've had to change a few of my frames of reference for obvious reasons.

The truth is, I'm still not certain of what I'm going to do with my life. I do have some goals: be happy, adopt children, never be too old to play in the rain, etc. Still, I have no idea where I'll be in five years, much less ten! The truth is, I still am working on figuring out who I am. I do know that I enjoy reading and a good challenge and that I hate surprises--but I have yet to discover what is the essence of my individual.

The truth is I'm not indestructible. In fact, many people have made me cry and broken me down. I have learned however that I'm stronger than I can give myself credit for. I have learned that everyone can mess up-- and with time and healing, everyone can forgive. The truth is I'm still a kid. I'm not grown. In fact, I don't know if I'll be grown when I'm 25, 30, or even 40! Perhaps a part of me will always feel like watching Sarah Silverman at Kristen's house. Maybe a piece of me will always want late night runs to Taco Bell. I could be tucking a kid into bed one night ten years from now and quietly hum, "Bubbly" to myself.

Maybe I am on to something. Who cares that I don't have my future set in stone? Who cares that I don't know exactly what I want from life? Who cares that I don't appear to be older and more mature than some of the people around me? Because the truth is-- I am loving my life. I'm loving my classes that keep me busy until 2 am. I'm loving my friends who keep me laughing until 2 am. I'm loving that sometimes I lay in bed and just smile at how crazy life is until 2 am.

So I'm about to be 21. And it is nothing that I expected. Yet, it sure is something amazingly wonderful! Happy early birthday to me!

When People Make Mistakes...

I've been thinking about how people mess up. Sometimes, we mess up just a little bit-- and we can simply laugh it off. Sometimes, we mess up quite a bit-- and we can simply apologize. Sometimes, we mess up more than we can imagine-- and there is no simple solution.

I saw my biological father this weekend for the first time in a long time. I can remember all the hatred that I use to hold against him. I can recall laying in bed and hoping he was miserable with the life he chose. I guess I've grown up since then because this weekend, I felt zero hatred towards him. In fact, I kind of pitied him. How sad is it to make a mistake and never really be able to move on? How sad would it be for me to hold it against him forever? Who would that help?

No one. It's that simple-- no one benefits from a hatred that strong. In fact, I'm pretty sure the hatred I once harbored against him just wore on me. So I'm forgiving him. And more importantly, I'm forgiving myself. That applies to more than one person in my life as well. I feel that the grudges I've carried have probably harm me more than anymore. So I'm done with it.

Live your life. Love it. Because if I can be completely honest-- I'm loving my life more than ever before! I have some amazing friends. Kristen is my soul mate. Lindsay is my partner is crime. Natasha & Sara are my rocks. Rachael is my comic relief. And for the first time in a long time I can also say that I there is a special someone that gives me butterflies in my stomach. He thinks I'm beautiful. He loves my spunk. He enjoys my sense of humor. Yet, he is nothing I ever expected.

I'm not making plans for the future. I'm not planning out every detail of my life. Why? Because life is an adventure for me right now. It's full of surprises and laughter. It's all that I've ever wanted. Perhaps looking too far ahead would scare me or maybe change my mind about things. I chose to live in the moment. And frankly, this moment is good!

Recreating My World...

Life has been very good as of late. School is keeping me busy but I find myself enjoying my classes and the company of my classmates. I also am enjoying life beyond school much more. And even though I can't pin-point the exact reason... I'm smiling more than ever.

Maybe it's because I have some amazing friends that keep me laughing. Maybe it's because I find myself 'liking' someone for the first time in a long time. Maybe it's because me and my roommates are getting alone wonderfully. Maybe it's because my 21st birthday is right around the corner. Or maybe-- it is just because I've finally decided to ignore all the bad things and focus on the good.

I've learned that sometimes it is the simple things that can make your day. I have learned that trying on Halloween costumes is more fun than I've ever given it credit for. I have learned that grabbing lunch with great friends leads to lots of INside jokes. I've learned that movie nights in your PJs are delightful. I've learned that life is seriously what you make it. And if you make it out to be something horribly stressful and annoying... Guess what?! IT WILL BE.

Yet, if we just laugh. If we would just love. If we would just get over the drama that tries to surround us-- life is a beautiful thing. And more importantly, my life is beautiful for the first time in a long time.