A Balancing Act...

Tonight, as I was walking across the parking lot to my apartment complex, it struck me that we are all caught up in such a careful balancing act... called life.

It seems to me that there are such thin lines between all the opposite extremes in the world. Our nation's leaders constantly toe the line between war and peace. In personal relationships we fall so easily out of love and straight to hate. When we are at our saddest, it takes a small tip of the scales in our favor to make us the happiest we've ever been.

Why do we walk such a thin line? And if we must walk this line, then how can we make the best of it?

I remember playing softball as a child. I can recall walking up to the plate with two outs already against my team. And while I did not want to let my team down by providing the third out, a part of me desperately wanted to prove that I could at least make it to first base. That precarious line between disaster and delight pulled up the courage from within.

I batted with two outs against me many times. And many times I made it to first, second, third or even all the way home. But other times, I struck out. I failed. But you know, I recall many of those times at bat very clearly. Yet, I don't believe I can recall a single time at bat when the deck wasn't stacked against me--- I remember my batting the best when that fine line existed.

Perhaps that is a good way to look at life. Maybe we should try to live every day knowing that we could be wildly successful or that everything we have worked towards could fall apart. Embracing that precarious balance between two extremes might be the only way to truly live in the moment instead of slowly allowing our lives to pass us by.

I will wake up tomorrow understanding that the deck, or the scoreboard, is probably not in my favor. Knowing that simple fact could give me the little extra push I need to finally hit one out of the park.

Take a Deep Breath...

I am out of breath. Not because I have been exercising (we all know I don't do that), but because it seems like my life is stuck in Fast-Forward and I can't slow down for a single moment. I graduate in May. I graduate in May. I graduate in May. (I just had a mild panic attack.) My semester is already full of homework, quizzes, readings, work, and even elections! And while I am struggling to catch my breath through the onslaught of 'busyness' that is now my life--- I am expected to make life altering decisions about my future?!

I used to think I knew exactly what I wanted in life. But as I stand at the precipice of the rest of my life, I am suddenly struck by the inability to make any decisions! After all, I'm only in my 20's. Isn't that still a child? A child shouldn't be forced to make such large decisions!

The other day I was speaking with a group of older women. I asked them when they felt "grown"? They all gave me an odd look and said, "Grown? You never feel grown. I'm 50 and not grown. "

With that in mind, maybe none of us should be forced of making such life altering decisions since we technically never grow up.

Or maybe, because we never grow up, we have the rare ability to rebound from the bad decisions that we make. After all, regardless of how many times I decided to jump out of my swing from the highest point, I always managed to get back up when I fell down.

Perhaps that isn't the best analogy. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I know I'm going to fall down. I know that my decisions will not all be good ones. I'll make some mistakes. So maybe all the huge questions I've been pondering (Where to go to Law School, Student Loans, Job Security, Health Insurance, etc.) are pretty irrelevant. So what if I get them wrong? Almost everything can be 'righted' in the end....right?

For the time being I guess I will try to take a deep breath. After all, decision making isn't possible when you're winded. :)

Goodbye to you...

High School.

I remember hating it. I remember wanting to escape. I remember feeling alone. I remember the torture of walking down those halls every day. Yet, even though I can remember feeling like that a few years ago, a part of me can look back and appreciate the simpler times.

A friend of mine died over the weekend. I can recall spending hours with him and an entire cast of people working on One Act Play. I can remember rehearsing lines and laughing about weird costumes we found backstage. I can remember goofing around on the bus between performances and I can recall dominoes at our director's house. Even more, I can recall sitting around with the cast watching the news about the invasion of Iraq.

Why did I feel so unhappy back then? School was always easy and I was done with my day at five. In retrospect, I had some great friends who made me laugh and some really wonderful ones who held me when I cried. I regret letting petty fights, over petty issues, get in the way of me enjoying high school.

As soon as I heard that Tim had died, I did not call my college friends. Instead, I turned to those people that I took for granted for four whole years. And it was they who understood my fears and my sadness. And it will be them who hold my hand at his funeral and comfort me as I cry.

Why can things only be clear in retrospect? I wish that I could have understood how precious those four years were. I wish I hadn't been so eager to escape them. I wish I would have savored late nights on the sandbar. I wish I would have savored nights on the back of a four-wheeler. I wish I would have savored walking the high school track with friends. I wish I would have savored my last high school football game or my last day of school. Instead, I don't recall many things because my mind had already traveled beyond high school.

I hope you rest in peace Tim. You were the type of person who lived each day to its fullest-- always smiling, always laughing, always looking for the positive in each situation. I hope I can learn that from you.

So in just a few days I will travel back home. I will spend the fourth of July with old friends. We will pop fireworks, grill burgers, and have a drink or two. Then we will sit around and talk about our fondest memories of Tim. We will probably laugh. We will probably cry. But I can guarantee you that I will not take those moments---or those great people from my past--- for granted.

Goodbye Tim.

Living Your One Shot...

I recently went to Washington D.C. and visited Arlington cemetery. The sun pelted down as I viewed the endless rows of marble tombstones. Suddenly, the name FLETCHER caught my eye. I got off the tour bus and hiked back to where the tombstone laid.

There is was. My beautiful family name in this beautiful place. I ran my fingers over the cold stone and wondered if the craftsman who carved it knew the person it denoted. As I walked around the monument, I realized that this man's family was buried with him. His wife, son, and daughter surrounded him in death. I walked around the tombstone marveling at all four graves, feeling the stone on my finger tips and the breeze in my hair. My younger brother came and grabbed my hand, "Do you think we are kin to him?"

In that moment, I felt kin to him. Not in the kind of way that bloodlines can define, but I felt kin to him in the sense that we both were in this place, at this time, together. I squeezed my brother's hand and told him, "Yeah. I bet we are."

As we walked away to find our family and our tour bus I took special notice of the view from Arlington House. I could see where both Kennedy's were laid to rest, I could see the sky scraping monument dedicated to Washington, and the top of the Capital building loomed in the distance. I took in a deep breath and tried to imagine how I was connected to everything in this city, in this country, in this world.

We all live by a common truth-- We get one shot at it. We have a short number of years to leave our mark on this world. We can leave behind a small tombstone, a giant monument, just laws and regulations, or the feeling of holding of someone's hand.

I'm already 21 years in on my one shot-- I got to start making it count.

Drawing the Line...

I just finished my first week at my first internship. I have been exceptionally busy learning things that will benefit me in my life after college. When I got home tonight, I was tired and decided to kill time (and brain cells) by wasting time on Facebook. Big Mistake.

I don't believe it is anyone's right to judge another human being. That being said, I'm about to contradict it. I can't believe the people of my generation. Generations before us protested for civil rights and against wars. The young people of my generation can do neither because they spend too much time getting drunk and acting like idiots.

Hear me out. I have been that drunk, stupid college kid. I have. At the time, it seemed like a good idea. I was protesting strict rules of my childhood and celebrating my independence. In retrospect, I only proved that those strict rules existed for good reason and became dependent on drunk praise from the opposite sex to feel good about myself.


I have had to work incredibly hard to overcome my first two years of college life. In fact, I have cut ties with a large number of people I used to know simply because they do not understand the new me. And that's fine. I guess that people grow up at different rates. I guess that some people I know will still be skipping work and taking 12 shots every night until they die. I assume that there are several paths to happiness and each of us must choose our own way.

Still-- it boils my blood when I hear talk about the apathy of my generation. Why? Because I CARE!

It seems to me that young people like a good challenge. Most challenges consists of a beer pong table and empty shot glasses. I, however, would like to offer a different challenge to my fellow American youth.

Stand up. Speak Out. Recycle. Conserve Energy. Vote. Volunteer. Donate. Care.

I understand that it is hard to sit the empty alcohol bottles aside and pull yourself away from untagging drunken Facebook photos of yourself. But the challenge has been issued. The choice is yours.

Summer....

My finals begin on Monday morning at 8am with Physics II. By Wednesday afternoon I will be done with my junior year in college. Around noon on Friday I will officially move away from Conway for the first time in three years. Wow-- things are happening so fast.

I have been given a great opportunity in the form of an internship this summer in Tyler, Tx. I am excited about it for several reasons. First of all, I need a break from Conway. My roommates are nuts. They have the cleanliness of a whole den full of rodents. I live in a pool of their filth and usually have to barricade myself in my room when home so I don't catch hepatitis. Also, most of my friends are graduating and moving away. Conway and classes will be lonely without them.

This post is suppose to be about how much I am looking forward to summer. I am supposed to brag about the lazy weekends I'll spend on the lake and how much fun I'm going to have in Washington D.C. attempting to stalk Obama. I wanted to share how excited I am about the upcoming sunny days that I'll spend with a cold lemonade and a good book.


But honestly, I'm not in the mood to think about summer. I just feel Blah. I feel as if I could literally pull my hair out. Not because I am angry, sad or even bored--- but just because. I wonder if anyone understands this feeling?

I know why I am feeling this way. It is because I just ran across your profile again on facebook. It is because I started to think about the last time I saw you and how a phone call demanded your attention. I am starting to remember how I can always call you in tears and you are the only one who cares so very much. I am feeling this way because I don't think I'll ever have you. That fact doesn't make me angry or sad... just blah. I am feeling this way because I don't think I'll ever find someone remotely like you. That fact doesn't make me angry or sad...just blah.
You will never read this post. I doubt you know I blog occasionally. And for that reason, I will now make a corny comparison to a song I could literally see you rolling your eyes at as I sing along...

"I just can't wait--- To see you again."

Let the eye rolls begin. They make me smile.

Confronting Yourself...

What do you do when you are confronted by yourself?

Last night I went to share drinks with some friends-- and some strangers. The night was young and the drinks were delicious. As we laughed about misadventures and our waiter's over attentiveness, the conversation turned to bad friends and boyfriends. Everyone laughed as a girl told the story of an old friend writing her boyfriend a letter proclaiming that she was a better match for him. The laughs got louder when someone else told a story of a bad boyfriend let loose on spring break. Soon, I felt compelled to chime in and found myself telling a story that I used to tell very often. Yet, this time it was different.

The crowd laughed and cried "oh-no-she-didn't" at all the appropriate places. To an outsider it would appear that I was the same girl, telling the same story that I told six months ago. But to me it felt all wrong. In fact, there were places where I couldn't even recall what was the truth any longer. Had I just imagined that part in my head? I began to wonder if I was telling the story in the right order. By the time I finished, I realized that my story was just that--- a story. It had all happened so long ago that I barely recalled the characters that I spoke of. I excused myself to the restroom and took a good, long look at myself in the mirror.

I am not the same girl who was in that story. That girl was desperate for attention. That girl didn't know how truly amazing she was. That girl was hurt and was looking for anyone to lay the blame with. That girl was insecure and sought approval in all the wrong ways. Yet, the girl that stared back at me from the mirror was very different.

She does not feel the need to degrade herself in order to feel better. She does not need to seek out constant companionship-- she is satisfied with silence. She has found a peace within herself at the thought of growing up, moving on, and enjoying life.


As I emerged from the bathroom and reclaimed my seat at the table, the conversation had already turned to new things. A second round of drinks were being ordered and the girls began to talk about the upcoming summer and getting to wear shorts again. I allowed my mind to flow with the conversation with an ease that I had not ever felt before. I was not putting on any fronts. I was not hiding behind sarcasm and wit. I was not begging for approval. In fact, I realized that I was no longer playing any character, in any story. I was simply living my life.

I used to feel like I needed to scrub myself clean of the past that I've lived. I felt that scraping away that desperate individual would somehow make me pure again. I was wrong. John Cage once said, "We need not destroy the past. It is gone." As the night wore on and the dinner party broke up and moved to other places I realized that my past self was gone as well.

Yes, there will always be little reminders of her. I will bump into people who only know me through her. I will see her staring back at me through old photographs. And occasionally, I feel her clawing at my insides for attention and approval. Still, there is no need to try and destroy her. She is gone and the wrongs she has done have been washed away with her. She is gone... I am left.

Stand For Something...

I am shocked by my generation. The time has come for us to step up and make our mark on the world-- and yet, most of my friends sit idly by. For the life of me I can't understand it.

The United States ranks horribly in health care. Everyday many of our brave men and women get blown up on a roadside in Iraq. Our economy is seeing a crisis that could prevent us from being able to play the stock market successfully or enter the housing market. The automobile industry in this country needs to have harsher regulations on them to quickly improve energy efficiency and also find alternate fuel sources.

And while many of my friends are outraged by these facts and others, (like republicans wanting to ban all Pro-Choice legislation and squeeze orthodox Christan values into the Constitution with a amendment against gay marriage) I didn't find a single friend that actually voted on Super Tuesday.


I'm a registered Texas voter and will be sending in my absentee ballot for the March primary. My generation has real power in our hands at this pivotal point in our nation's history. There is a saying that goes, "If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything..." When you don't bother registering and/or don't bother going to the polls--- you aren't standing for something. I can only pray that our generation will find the heart to stand up against the practices that have divided and injured our nation for far too long. If not, I fear that my generation will fall for anything that is thrown our way.

So get registered. Go vote. People all around the world would kill (and have) for the right to elect their leaders. We don't have things nearly as bad. Register. Vote. Stand for something.

Personally I stand for change. Go Obama!

What a Difference a Year Makes...

One year ago, I was deeply unhappy with the relationships in my life. I didn't know how to put an end to the things I hated or how to begin things I wanted. One year ago, I considered almost anyone my friend. I never paused to think that the trust that I automatically placed in people could possibly be betrayed. Moreover, I constantly involved myself in situations that could only end badly. Instead of looking out for "number one" I just worried about having a good time.

One year ago my idea of a fun night was going over the same house and drinking with the same people I always did. Every night I would hug the neck of the same people I saw just a few days before and exclaim how much I missed them. In reality I didn't care for any of these people-- I mainly went because I felt it was what you were supposed to do. One year ago I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life after college. In fact, I never even gave "life after college" much consideration. Instead I focused my energy on making sure that people, who I didn't even care about, liked me. One year ago I was 20 going on 16-- too young to care about my own health, safety, or sanity.

In short, one year ago I was a much different person. I feel like I have finally grown up for the first time. I am at a place that I can let go of all the bitterness that I've held onto for so long. I used to thrive on being pessimistic-- but now I feel like waking up and expecting the very best from myself and others. I know that I am a strong, beautiful person that is capable of more than I've ever given myself credit for. Also, I know that I have been blessed beyond measure. I have a wonderful family. I have a good handful of friends that make me laugh and that I can trust. I can go out and instantly make connections with strangers. I am young and healthy. I am intelligent and now know better than to get caught up in the drama of college or greek life.

A day isn't very long. But 365 days has turned my entire life around...

Where Does The Fault Go?

I guess there are some things in this world that we'll never fully understand. Some of those things are of limitless beauty. Just try watching the Discovery Channel or Animal Planet. When you see of picture of a galaxy billions of light years away, you can only marvel at it with awe-- but your mind can't completely wrap itself around the concept. When you see a herd of elephants circling up to protect their young from a predator, you can see a strong bond-- but you can't quite grasp the connection.

I think that people are a lot like that as well. Sometimes you can admire someone for their beauty, strength, courage, etc. Yet, those same people are sometimes the most likely to disappoint you in other areas. More importantly, the strength you once admired can quickly transform into a weakness that you loath.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: No one is perfect. Sometimes you might really wish they were-- but it will never be true. People are going to make mistakes-- mistakes that will ultimately harm others or worse, themselves. In reality all you can do is to live your own life in a way that you can be proud of.

It is very common to see the beauty in other things. Still, how often do we look for the beauty in ourselves? In contrast, it is all too easy to point out the faults of others. Yet, how often are we capable of pointing out our own? It seems easy to give out advice all day long, but how often do we stop and actually listen to it?

So here's my peace: I'm sorry that you aren't who I made you out to be. That fault lies with me. I hope you find your own happiness. I hope you're capable of doing so. As for me, my happiness doesn't lie with you. It lies within myself...

Happy New Year...

It's a new year. Perhaps this is a good time to begin new changes in my life. I have several goals and I figure the best way to state them all is simply by listing them.

I want to start eating a little healthier.

I want to begin working out regularly-- kind of like I did in high school.

I plan on going to bed earlier and not sleeping as late.

I want to become a little more eco-friendly.

I hope to focus on loving myself.


I intend to not seek out relationships-- but instead let them come to me.

I want to look at the stars more often.

I intend to get an internship in Dallas for the summer.

I want to spend money more wisely.

I hope to start letting the little things roll off my shoulders.

I want to enjoy more time with my friends and family.

I hope to excel in school.

I want to enjoy my last year and a half in Conway.

I want to be content with the life I lead.

That might be a lot of things to accomplish but I still think they are still decently realistic. I hope 2008 brings everything I want it to and none of what I don't. Ok-- I'm not that optimistic. But here's to the New Year anyway--- who knows?... It very well could be my year!