Deceiving ourselves...

I think that at some point in everyone's life-- we try to convince ourselves of something. Sometimes it can be trivial-- like trying to tell ourselves that we are better at something than we really are, like a sport. Other times, we try to convince ourselves that someone never hurt us or that something bad didn't phase us at all. This is simply a defense-mechanism used to keep ourselves from hurting. Yet, what happens when we try to convince ourselves that we really care about someone, when we.... well, don't? Until recently, I thought I really liked an individual. In fact, I spent several days gloomy because of him. Then, I would get dressed up and go out with the sole intention of "bumping into him" and impressing him. I had even gone as far as confessing all of this to him-- in hopes that he would put everything on hold and pursue something with me. Then, as if by divine intervention, I suddenly realized that I really didn't like him at all--- I just had convinced myself that I did.

How silly is that? Can we even convince ourselves that we care for someone? And if so, why would we go to such extremes? All I know is that the realization was not only a shock to me-- it was quite a relief! I knew a long time ago that he wasn't really my type. Sure, he was tall-- but that's about all he had on my checklist. In all reality, he drinks too much, he acts like he is 12 years old, and he has this streak of behavior that he can never be fully accountable for!

When I start to ask myself why I would go to such extremes to convince myself that I liked him-- I can only come up with one answer: Life is supposed to be this puzzle... and a piece of mine is missing! Many of my friends are getting engaged. At my age, my sister was. At my age, my mom was already married with one child. And even though I have NO DESIRE to run down the aisle, I guess I can admit that a small fraction of me feels like that is what is expected of me-- therefore, I need it.

By telling myself that I really cared for this guy, I trying to force in a piece of a puzzle that simply didn't fit. I tried that a lot as a child when putting puzzles together. I had just about as much success then as I do now. I guess the lesson I can learn is to start taking things slow. What's the point in falling for someone, only to find out that you never really tripped at all?